the real deal.

So far my blog posts have been pretty up-beat and the way I represent my life to people back home is that everything is great/exciting/new. Now for the big slap in the face. Life on a daily basis kinda sucks. Thwap.

Sometimes it's hard to get out of bed. Sometimes knowing that everything I do will be watched all day long is enough to make me crazy. Sometimes I cry to strangers on the bus when they ask if I like Fiji. Overall my feelings are under control. I am happy on a daily basis because that's just how I am, but there are days when I'm the "bitter bush bitch" or B cubed as we have so aptly named our status as rural volunteers. And I've found that many other volunteers are also experiencing the same types of culture shock (hence the group name B3). It is getting easier to deal with some of the cultural differences, but there are some (ie gender roles) that still get under my skin. And that's when I call another PCV and bitch about how hard it is here.

Maybe it's living alone in my village with no real support group. Maybe it's not understanding the culture. Maybe it's me being stubborn and ethnocentric. Maybe it's because all the little annoyances add up and start to look like overwhelming obstacles when there's no one to help me put things back into perspective. Maybe I'm just not patient enough. Smash would tell me to just wait and be patient and things will work out. I know it's true because Smash is always right, but I've already waited 2 months. Yes, things are starting to become easier, but there are constant daily struggles. Here's a basic recap of my situation so far.

The villagers still have not started building my official house. I have been in the village 2 months now. I am living in a nice, big house with everything indoors-- the kitchen, toilet and shower room, but it's still the chief's son's house. Thursday morning, my neighbor barged in and apologized but still continued to remove the mats from the main room and put a new layer or padding (coconut leaves) down. All this while I was taking a shower and getting ready for the track and field day at the school. So the fact that the house is on loan makes it much easier for neighbors to barge in.

I started farming with one village youth, but the chief disapproves of me going through the bush to farm everyday with one guy. A simple solution would be to give me a small plot of land close to the village. He has the power to do this, but refuses. The reason being the word "vakamalua" which means slowly. Everything must be done slowly. But I feel that 2 months of basically nothing is slow. And my patience towards waiting on a farm is eroding. Another reason for my impatience is there are very few vegetables grown locally and to get veggies like carrots, cucumbers, beans, pumpkins, or fruits like bananas, apples and papayas I must take a 2 hour bus ride. (All of these veggies will grow here and the seeds are provided by the government. It's just a matter of planting them.) Therefore, the need for a small garden is absolutely neccessary for my physical health (and pocketbook).

There are ups and there are downs. I seem to have more downs than ups, though. That's hard for me because I consider myself to be a positive person. I'm learning to ride my emotions better and try to just get through the bad days, try and identify why they're bad and then move on. Basically what I'm saying is I'm growing up. And (I think) becoming a better person in the process. Overall, I'm glad I'm here. I just thought you all should know the...well...the real deal.